With Memorial Day weekend and summer coming around the corner, I thought I’d share a story that might help you when you’re out on your bar-hopping travels. If you see yourself in the stories below, there’s some helpful advice at the
end; if you’re not a part of it, then stay that way, Bobby loves ya!
From the desk of Bobby Bartender:
Rough night at work…. thankfully it’s over. Let’s recap:
Some douche walked up to my bar tonight – let’s call him Eddie Emptypants (with some girl) - ordered a few drinks (rudely might I add) then handed me a $20 for his total of $19.50. He stared me down waiting for his “fiddy cents,” then complained about how strong the drink’s were weren’t. I ignored him and went about my business of making money collecting toll money. For the next 20 minutes, I made approximately $2.20, barely enough to wash a load of laundry at one of Eddie’s fine neighborhood laundromats, let alone pay for anything useful in life.
Friendly advice.
Fast foward a bit, Emptypants comes back (with a different girl) and stutters for a few minutes, asks me what a good drink is and I proceed to make him an eight-dollar LIT that wasn’t even worth the cup it was put in. Then after I finished, asked me for 2 more of the same. A-hole. Total: $24, Paid: $24. Damn, Eddie, doin’ me dirty, bro.
In the interim, some smokin’ hot girl comes up to the bar, lets call her Amy Airbags, and orders a drink with her homegirls. I think she also has 3 or 4 girls behind her. Amy leans over the bar (I know what you’re doin, girl, it ain’t my first rodeo) and orders a few shots, a drink for her and two for her friends, then asks how much. “$31.50.” She hands me $40, “keep it.”
The dude next to her orders “umm… a Fuzzy Navel, and a Jack & Coke for my girl.” $11.75, bro. “Here’s $12, keep it.” I, replied, “Keep what?” Fuzzy says, “the change.” I reply still, “what change?” Fuzzy insists, “the quarter.” I say, “that’s not change, that’s bullshit. You give more to homeless people, and they’re not trying to help you get laid.” Fuzzy retorts, “well then hook it up next time and we good.” I say, “Ok, well when you start drinking big-boy drinks, come talk to me.” He did, an hour later. I made him wait 20 minutes. With no one at the bar. I was talking to Amy from earlier. He taps me on the shoulder though, and makes his presence known.
“What’s up bro? No service?,” says Fuzzy.
“I’m busy, be right with you,” I say. He notes, “you’re not makin’ anything now,” to which I reply, “very observant, but I didn’t say I was makin drinks, I said I was busy.”
Fuzzy comes back with the oh-no-you-didn’t of bar etiquette: “I tipped you last time…………………” ( I don’t know what else he said, I was too busy laughing after the first part), while I’m laughing, he starts running game on Amy.
Amy asked me who this “dick” was. I said, “some dude who drinks Fuzzy Navels, whines about how strong they aren’t and then leaves a quarter and calls it a tip.” Amy proceeded to make fun of him to his face for the next 5 minutes, and he left, drinkless. I loved it. I bought her a drink.
Eddie Emptypants comes back again (with another girl, still) and same routine. While he’s turned around grabbing orders from his peoples, I ask the girl, “You know you’re the tenth girl he’s tried runnin game on tonight right? He’s been comin up here since ten-o’-clock.” She didn’t look too happy, I could tell because she grabbed her drink and took off. He asked “whasssup bro?” I said, “Nothin’ I just asked her if she knew the other girls you’ve been comin up here with. Thought they were friends.” Strike three.
Sign of a douchebag
The last douche of the evening comes up and asks me the price of everything behind the bar. Beer, liquor, mixed drink,
beer, beer, etc…. He finally orders a beer, thirty seconds before we close up. Pulls out six crumpled dollars
s…l…..o….w……l…..y, then tosses them on the counter. I ask, “no tip? it’s last call, man, I coulda told you we were
closed.” Crumply says, “there a tip in dere.” Twenty-five cents. I reach over to give him some dap, and I knock his bee
r over.
Oops.
“Sorry bro, bar’s closed.”
Crumply wasn’t too happy.
In Summary…..
1.) Don’t be like Eddie, or you’ll go home broke and score-less. Nothing I love more than ruining nights of those who ruin mine. You wanna go home with a nice buzz and score some hot chicks? Great, I wanna pay my bills and eat a Quarter Pounder from time to time. Make it happen, and I’ll do the same.
- Rule 1.) Remember, you go first. Don’t expect a hookup on a whim.
2.) Bobby loves independent women who buy their own drinks, and don’t expect free shit because they’re hot. You girls rock.
- Rule 2.) Ladies, I’ll take your orders first, but just because you’re hot, it’s not free. And no, you can’t pay in T&A. But you can tip in it.
3.) If you’re a hot chick, and you’re going to flash the goods, not expect anything for free, bring up your hot posse (p-o-s-s-e, you idiots), and tip well? You’re the shit in my book; others take note. You will be remembered later.
- Rule 3.) Bobby’s 2 favorite things begin with the letter “T.” One is “tips”. Make both a part of your order.
The Fuzzy Navel. The Perez Hilton of cocktails.
4.) Dudes: Please don’t order pussy drinks. If you wouldn’t roll up with a crowd of your dude-bros and loudly order your drink, then don’t quietly order it from me and expect me not to laugh about you all night.
- Rule 4.) Pussy drinks get pussy service. Get the sand out of your ass and order a Jack & Ginger or something.
- 4a.) If you’re tipping $3-$4 for a fuzzy navel, however, I will not ridicule you. Just don’t expect a hook up on a 17% liquor peach schnapps and OJ. I’m not a miracle worker, and can’t turn water into wine.
5.) If you’re not taking care of me, don’t expect me to take care of you. That doesn’t just apply to drinks. The “bartender silence” and “bartender backup” rules only apply when you’re takin care of business. Don’t be surprised if I blow up you’re spot to one of the 12324 girls you’re trying to mack on if you keep leavin me pocket change.
- Rule 5.) If you’re droppin’ quarters, I’m droppin dimes – to every girl you try to mack on. I’m also shorting you big time, and making you wait the longest. Not very “ballin’” is it? Take note.
6.) Don’t try to steal the bartender’s dinner. If you see me doin’ my thing, and still try to run game? Exp ect no mercy. I will charge you full price and send you home on a cranberry juice high. You might be on the other side of the bar, but I will make your night fucking miserable.
- Rule 6.) Bartenders are gods. Do not anger the gods. Try to take my supper and expect nothing less than water on the rocks. And a long wait like the dude above.
7.) Any of these in combination will deem you “banned”, and we will wait as long as humanly possible before taking your order, then promply ignoring it while we find the weakest cordials back there and make your “strong island.”
- Rule 7.) Don’t “hint” to your drinks, and don’t ask me to “hook it up.” I know what these mean, and it translates to, “Hello, I would like a cocktail with a lot of alcohol. Please don’t expect me to leave you a tip, because I can’t, mainly because I spent it all on black-n-milds and these sweet jean shorts, and won’t, because “dat’s my style.”
8.) Don’t order a “STRONG island.” That’s just dumb.
- Rule 8.) Do you honestly expect me to hook it upbecause you ordered cleverly like a douchebag? Pff.
9.) I don’t give shit out for free. Except insults.
- Rule 9.) Unless you’re a hot chick, then I may be negotiated with. But numbers must be involved.
10.) When you pay for drinks, don’t toss money at me like you’re playing a dice game in the alley behind the trap.
- Rule 10.) No tip, no mercy. You can do one or the other, but 2,3, 4 infractions at once will net you no mercy. Crumpled money is a pretty douche move, and my hands get jittery when picking it up. Hold your drinks.
11.) Especially at last call, do not quiz me on the prices and drinks. I already know them, and I won’t be any more happy with you if you try and test me.
- Rule 11.) Do not ask the price of everything before you order. You may, however, ask “Do you have any specials.” Order what you want, if it breaks the bank on the first round, then adjust your choice accordingly. Do not expect me to adjust my pours, however.
- Note: Beer costs less than liquor, Import beer is more than domestic. Anything you saw in a DJ Khaled or T-Pain video is probably priced out the ass, and will usually be a short drink regardless. Either bring a lot of cash, or stop trying to front with your $99 Suit City 3-piece on.
12.) Know what you want to order, and have some sort of payment ready.
- Rule 12.) Two ways to present this, “Money in hand, order on your mind.” and “Mouth closed, money out.” Don’t holla “yo”, “bro”, “dude” or “yo bro dude.”
Happy bartenders = happy patrons
Have your money out, because if I have to wait for you to figure it out, I will pull your drink and make you wait. If I have to wait for you to figure out your order, I will also make you wait.
Believe me, I could go on an on, but considering it’s 6am and I just got home, I gotta hit the bed. Running another long shift tomorrow. Hope Amy comes back.
The moral of the story is: “Be polite and take care of us, and we’ll take care of you. If we’re happy, you will be.”
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